The Odd Tale of Jonah

I awoke completely immersed in my own sweat.

Of course, it is possible that the shipmaster of the ship had given orders to soak me in warm sea water to arouse me from my sleep. I was thoroughly drenched no matter the cause, that much I can say for certain.

"How can you sleep?" he yelled into my face with more determination than I have encountered elsewhere in my entire life. His question struck me as rather funny and it still does today. Think about this. There is no possible answer for such a question! One sleeps because one falls asleep. What other explanation could ever be forthcoming?

Even so, my laughter in response to his inquiry caused the most forlorn look to overtake my captain. "Call on your god and perhaps he will take notice of us and we would not perish." Where he was yelling before, his voice was now a whisper, as though he wanted only me and no other living entity to hear his plea.

Since I had only moments before been floating through the heavens with only the momentum of a divine mother's call, I must assert that my slowness to correctly assess the gravity of the situation was perfectly understandable. Nonetheless, the entire gathering of some dozen sailors and their captain quickly exited my groggy presence and made progress as if they were but one man back up to the deck of the ship.

I could clearly hear the incantations and entreaties which they were loudly making to one another up above me, but the meaning of it all remained quite distant until they again descended upon me as a single entity with many movable, but well coordinated, body parts.

"We have cast lots and know that you are the reason for our troubles."

This time it was not the captain speaking, but the smallest man on board. His legs could not have been longer than a lion's and he roared at me just as an actual lion might have. Then each one of the sailors began to hurl questions at me. Who? What? Where? Why? I felt as though they were piercing my flesh with their words of inquiry.

And for the second time I began to laugh at them. This sounds a bit cruel on my part, but I promise you that I could not help it. They were so funny in their conviction that I might save them, even as they were so obviously lost as to what connection might exist between their unremarkable sleeping passenger and the mighty storm that had risen up to ruin them all.

As calmly as possible under those difficult circumstances, I reported to them that I was a Hebrew, a worshipper of the one Lord God of Heaven,and that He alone had made the sea and the land. And while anyone who has ever met the least among my people would know this information, no matter what else they understood about us, I had honestly hoped my intentionally straightforward declaration would ease their tension a bit.

As it transpired, I might just as well have answered that I was myself a god of sea storms and that their doom was unalterably at hand within my own control. They were at that point equally terrified of the storm and petrified of me. My expectancy was that they probably did believe in such things as gods of disaster who controlled storms for the most inscrutable of reasons. Their response of terror at that point could certainly not have been any greater and they began to shake as children chased in their sleep by some imagined predator.

It was yet another funny sight to me, but at this point I had made a firm pledge not to mock them any further through my laughter. Certainly that was something which I would never intentionally choose to do to anyone.

"What have you done?" It was the lion legged man again, only this time his voice was definitely more like the squeaking sound of a cornered mouse and my resolve not to laugh out loud was greatly challenged. It was perhaps providential that as the irresistible march of a grin began to invade my countenance, a mighty wave beneath the sea threw us all across the distance to the opening to the ship's upper deck.

Our situation really had become quite perilous and my sense of fairness was quite offended at the thought of these fine men of the sea losing their very lives because of the Lord's revenge against me. As relaxed as if explaining to them how to pronounce the city of my birth, I instructed them that if they would simply pick me up and throw me into the sea, then the storm would surely be abated. Without divulging all of the actual details of my sordid tale to that point, I tried my best to convince them that the fault was mine and that I freely accepted it. I also did my best to make it clear that I would not hold any ill towards them for doing as I suggested, and I even gave my solemn vow that I could speak for the Lord's intentions on this same matter of retribution as well.

Since all men will only quickly believe almost any living entity except for another man, they ignored me completely. Had I begged them to disregard the facts and hold me unaccountable in the matter of the storm, they might well have taken advice from their superstitious beliefs and tossed me overboard like so many of the dice they employed to ferret out the will of their ferocious and easily angered sea gods. Instead, they chose to refuse my vigorous admonitions and proceeded to make the greatest effort to try and steer the ship to safety. I watched from a relatively safe perch on deck and was impressed by how well organized were their joint efforts. Some worked the remains of their tattered sail, some bailed water with remarkable strength, and still others rowed furiously in near perfect unison despite the storm, but the sea only grew angrier at their willfulness, and in the end they were forced to surrender completely to my personal offer for their united salvation.

It was then that possibly the most surprising part of my incredible tale occurred. Almost in perfect unison, the shipmaster and his sailors cried out to the Great Lord of All, one who was only hours before very near to a completely foreign subject to these men. Their words, if you should choose to believe that they were indeed those seafaring men's own freely selected words, though this seems somewhat preposterous to me as I look back at it, were as practiced as any high priest on any solemn altar.

"O Lord, please do not let us die for taking this man's life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man. For you, O Lord, have done as you pleased."

It was difficult to believe! How could such transformation take place so quickly in the heart of any being held to be deserving as an heir to the race of man?We are both such heirs, you and I, so let us be honest with one another. Can you imagine that you could so rapidly drop your current religious custom, and for our immediate inquiry I care not what that might be, to adopt an alternate religious stance as quickly and easily as taking off your sandals? It feels too difficult a task to believe in such violent reformation. Let us instead imagine that a fish might be frightened into walking upon the land. Such was the unreality of the drama playing out before me! And such is also the difficulty I have in placing much faith in the malleable nature of the human heart.

Nonetheless, I thought the innocent man part of the sailors' prayer was a nice touch. The One God Above All obviously enjoys a good laugh as well as Jonah does, although I obviously phrase this explanation backwards. I for one certainly do not begrudge Him a well intentioned laugh. Still, innocent indeed. I could not have been less innocent if I had tried my best not to be. I suppose as my tale will play out that this will prove to be more or less the truth of it, but let us find the conclusion of my story before we jump to one here!

Well enough did the sailors finally choose to take my own advice and throw me from that floundering boat into the angry sea. Even now, knowing what I know of my horrible fate, I am delighted to report that those seafarers chose exceptionally well. My heart leapt for joy at their wise decision, even as it leapt for fear of the oncoming waves which were soon enough separated from me only by the shrinking expanse of air between my rapidly beating heart and the furious sea below. My lasting memory of the singular moment that occurred just prior to the sea embracing me with a lover's passion will forever be the stunned look I found upon each and every sailor's face. For as I was entering the water and had turned my gaze back upon them, they all looked to see the last thing they should ever have expected, even as they had to force their frightened eyes to meet with my own looking back at them.

To their horror they realized that Jonah was still laughing.

The above is an excerpt from: INTO THE VERY HEART - The Odd Tale of Jonah the Prophet

As the crowds increased, Jesus said, "This is a wicked generation. It asks for a
miraculous sign, but none will be given it except the sign of Jonah. For as Jonah
was a sign to the Ninevites, so also will the Son of Man be to this generation."
Luke 11:29-31 (NIV)

Man Overboard - Presumed Lost